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Evil Bicycles
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by Sheldon "Paranoia Strikes Deep" Brown
"One man's theology is another man's belly laugh."
--Robert A. Heinlein
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In late 1995, Mountain Bike Action magazine rejected advertising for VooDoo Cycles, as explained in a posting "VooDoo Cycles BANNED from Mountain Bike Action" on several rec.bicycles.* newsgroups:

"According to Daisy/Hi-Torque Publishing Company executive, Roland Hinz, the VooDoo name apparently does not fit with the magazine's strict religious values and will be summarily censored from product reviews as well as paid space. Robb Mesecher, MBA's advertising manager, stated that attempts to clarify the name and its positive Christian ties with Mr. Hinz were unsuccessful."

I heartily applaud Mountain Bike Action's noble commitment to maintaining the Purity and Essence of our Precious Bodily Fluids, but am concerned that they have not gone far enough. I have done a bit of research, and found that the VooDoo scandal is just the tip of the iceberg. For the benefit of those who only want to ride virtuous, godly bicycles, I have prepared a listing of some of the objectionable makes and models:

Glorification of Evil or Violence:
Battle: Tomahawk
Boulder: Wild Thing, Defiant
Jamis: Diablo, Diablo LE ("Diablo" is Spanish for "Devil"
Loco: Loco Motion
Mongoose : Villain, Menace
Norco: Sasquatch, Rampage
Python: Bonecrusher
Turner: Burner XC
Wolf Creek: Predator, Warrior
Zero: Cannibal
Non-Christian religions:
Gary Fisher-Nirvana, Joshua X (Black Muslims?)
Jamis: Karma
Mountain Goat: Immaculate Suspension (Blasphemy!)
Performance: Gryphon
Python: Medusa
Schwinn Moab (Moab is in Utah, thus there is a Mormon connection.)

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The following models are thinly-disguised references to the dreaded "Number of the Beast" (666)
Pro-Flex: 656, 756, Beast
Schwinn: s(9six)3
Barracuda: XX
Ibis: Mojo
Kona: Sex One, Sex Two, Sex Three, For Play
Ritchey: Soft Tail
Gonzo: KGB
Zero: Red Zone DH
Bianchi: Axis
Diamondback: Axis
Demon Rum:
Brew: 200 Proof

I am sure that all Right-thinking magazines will now refuse to accept advertising from any of these cabalist corporations conspiring to corrupt cycling!

The material on this page was adapted from a posting of mine under the title "Evil bicycles" which appeared January 1, 1996.

I received an email message from Bicycling Magazine asking for permission to use this posting, and a version of it appeared in their June 1996 issue.

In an amusing sequel, I was flamed on rec.bicycles.misc, and nominated for the "Hall of Shame..." by a reader who saw the Bicycling piece and remembered seeing something similar in the newsgroups. He then jumped to the conclusion that I had plagiarized the article, thus ripping off the original author...myself!

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