Search sheldonbrown.com and sheldonbrown.org

Sheldon Brown's Collection of Miscellaneous Humor

Sheldon Brown photo

Humor collected from various sources

Spoke Divider
Dog Haiku | Humor Links | Spell Checkers | Net Query
Spoke Divider

Dog Haiku

I love my master;
Thus I perfume myself with
This long-rotten squirrel.

I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You ever will be.

Today I sniffed
Many dog behinds-I celebrate
By kissing your face.

I sound the alarm!
Paper boy-come to kill us all-
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Garbage man-come to kill us all-
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I lift my leg and
Whiz on each bush . Hello, Spot-
Sniff this and weep.

How do I love thee?
The ways are numberless as
My hairs on the rug.

My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
Made a puddle.

I Hate my choke chain-
Look, world, they strangle me! Ack
Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack!

Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot -no greater bliss-well,
Maybe catching rats.

Look in my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you as much I do.

The cat is not all
Bad-she fills the litter box
With Tootsie Rolls.

Dig under fence-why?
Because it's there. Because it's
There. Because it's there.

I am your best friend,
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating.

My owners' mood is
Romantic-I lie near their
Feet. I fart a big one.

Origin unknown

Spoke Divider
 

ODE TO SPELL CHECKERS

I have a spelling checker
I disc covered four my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see.

Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.

Each frays comes posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

Bee fore wee rote with checkers
Hour spelling was inn deck line,
Butt now when wee dew have a laps,
Wee are not maid too wine.

And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults in awl this peace,
Of nun eye am a wear.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.

That's why eye brake in two averse
Cuz Eye dew want too please.
Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye
This soft wear four pea seas.

Jerry Zar, Dean of the Graduate School,
Northwestern Illinois University

Spoke Divider
 

I shot a query into the net

I shot a query into the net.
I haven't got an answer yet,
But seven people gave me hell
And said I ought to learn to spell;

A posted message called me rotten
For ignoring mail I'd never gotten;
An angry message asked me, Please
Don't send such drivel overseas;

A lawyer sent me private mail
And swore he'd slap my ass in jail --
I'd mentioned Un*x in my gem
And failed to add the T and M;

One netter thought it was a hoax:
"Hereafter, post to net dot jokes!";
Another called my grammar vile
And criticized my writing style.

Each day I scan each Subject line
In hopes the topic will be mine;
I shot a query into the net.
I haven't got an answer yet ...

John D. Moore

Humor Links:

Back to Sheldon Brown's Bicycle Humor Directory

Humor Links
Word Perhect, the Last Word in Word Processors
Bad Poetry
The Gettysburg Powerpoint Presentation
Musical instrument jokes
New! Power Tools, Do-It-Yourself, Handyman & Automotive Humor

Since November10, 1997

Page by Sheldon Brown

Feedback? Questions?

Sheldon Brown's Personal Pages
Books Boston My
Bicycles
My
Family
La Belle
France
Home
Page
My
Hotlists
Humor My
Journal
Misc. My
Music
My
Photography
Québec Radio

Back to Sheldon Brown's Home Page

Harris Cyclery Home Page

Updated January 25, 2006
If you would like to make a link or bookmark to this page, the URL is:
http://sheldonbrown.com/humor.html
Last Updated: by Harriet Fell